Caring Without Controlling: Insights from a Counselor in Missoula, MT

One of the hardest things as a human is to let go of wanting to control what someone you love feels, thinks, and does.  Caring for others means feeling pain when they do, caring about what they think, and worrying when they make mistakes.  That can feel heavy and can lead to anxiety and exhaustion.

Learning the difference between caring and responsibility is something you can do to take care of yourself without letting go of the care and concern that you show others. Read on for guidance from a counselor in Missoula, MT on how this can make a difference in your life.

Letting Go of Control

Wishing that you could “make” someone you love do something is perfectly natural.  At the same time, the journey to caring without the need for control is well worth the effort.  If we try to control people’s reactions and choices and to manage their emotions, it can lead to burnout, codependency, and strained relationships.  

If you’ve read my blog about boundaries, you might remember that I said that someone’s reactions belong to them, not to you.  If you are acting on your deepest values (which I can guess do not include hurting people you love), you are likely doing the right thing (or at least “a” right thing), even if someone else doesn’t like it.  While someone’s reactions can still hurt, seeing things through the lens of your values can provide relief and the freedom to make choices without agonizing over how someone else will react.  

Parenting, Partnership, and Personal Peace: Return to what matters most - your values and relationships

When we care about someone, we often see things more objectively from the outside.  Or we simply want them to do things differently because we like it better our way!  This often leads us to tell  people what they should do or how they should do it.  Does your partner load the dishwasher “wrong?”  Our different personalities and habits can cause annoyance and petty disagreements.  If we try to control people’s choices, those conflicts can build up and cause resentment or even separation.  It’s worth your while to ask yourself a couple of questions:  Is this issue important enough to have a discussion about?  Is it hurting me (other than my constant thinking about it)? Does my relationship benefit from correcting their behavior?  If the answers to these questions are “no,” this would be a great time to learn some skills for detaching from that desire for control.  

There are other times when our love for another person causes pain, especially when they are in crisis or are making bad choices repeatedly.  This often happens with our teenage or adult children, or with a partner who struggles with poor mental health or substance abuse.  One strategy people try is to tell them what they “have to” do or to deliver ultimatums.  I don’t know how that has gone for you, but in my experience, many people do not respond well to being told what to do or to threats.  They also don’t feel like getting closer to someone who backs them into a corner or always seems disappointed in them.  

If you take a break from giving ultimatums to your partner or telling your child what they have to do, it does not mean you don’t have boundaries.  Instead, you can let your loved one know what you are willing and not willing to support.  It means that you take care of yourself when they don’t do what you want them to.  And it means that you learn how to let go of being responsible for them, even though you care deeply.  This can be especially hard with our children, because we hate seeing them fail.  We do, however, have to let them make mistakes.  You can let your teen mess up and still be there for them while they learn from the experience and learn that they are still a good person even when they fail.

But I care about what other people think and feel, not just what they do.  What do I do about that?  

If you’re making decisions based on your values, you’re probably balancing love for yourself with love for others.  Some people still might think you’re being mean, they might say you’re being selfish, or they might question your intentions.  You can tell them what your reasons are for your choices, but you can’t make them believe you.  The same thing goes for feelings.  This is the hardest part for me, personally.  No one wants to make someone sad or angry, or for them to think you’re disappointed in them when you’re not.  If you are treating them how you think is best, if you are making choices with good intentions, that doesn’t guarantee that someone else will feel good about it.  But it does mean you can learn to be at peace with your actions and whatever response you experience.

It’s painful when someone you care about is hurting.  If you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t have emotional pain.  Rather than trading this pain for a life void of connection, you can learn that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, no matter how much you care for them and want them to live a life of ease and connection.

How Counseling in Missoula, MT Helps You Care Without Carrying the Weight

I’ve learned that I can care without being responsible, but how do I accept this?  

• Continue to show your love for them in different ways - listen to them without fixing things

• Remind them that you care and that you know that how they feel is difficult

• Take some time to allow yourself to feel uncomfortable about the situation you are letting go of (depending on the severity of the problem, you might benefit from counseling to do this)

• Distract yourself - as long as you can still address any problems that arise, it’s okay to take your mind off things for a while

• Pause - create space before responding to the person

• Practice self-care (see my blog on this)

• Practice some grounding techniques, if you have some go-to skills - deep breathing, doing something mindful, feeling your feet on the ground, getting out in nature

• Check in with your values -  what kind of partner/parent/friend do you want to be?

• Learn how to “unhook” from thoughts that you keep returning to but that don’t help you move forward.  This is something that many counselors in Missoula can help you learn and practice.

Taking the first step with a local counselor who not only understands what it is like to care about people who don’t do what you think they need to, but who also helps clients learn tools for coping with your frustration, finding peace, and maintaining strong relationships.

Explore how therapy can help you support loved ones without managing their actions, emotions, and thoughts in addition to your own.  I would love to talk with you about working together.  If you are interested in a free consultation, click the button below and let me know how to reach you!