BOUNDARIES to build better relationships - INSIGHTS FROM A COUNSELOR IN MISSOULA
You may have heard a lot about boundaries in the past few years. As a counselor in Missoula, MT, I talk about them in my therapy sessions with clients, and they are really important. But even if you haven’t been to therapy, you’ve probably read about them online, seen Tik-Toks about them, and maybe even had discussions with your friends. My impression is that many people think about boundaries as a line in the sand or a barrier you put up to protect yourself from “toxic people.” As you read on, I hope you’ll understand that boundaries can be gentler, more realistic, and possibly even easier to set than you imagined.
What If Boundaries Could Bring You Closer? A Missoula Therapist’s Perspective
I’ve learned a lot about boundaries in the past few years from experiences in my own life. I’m grateful for this knowledge, not only because it has strengthened important relationships, but because it allows me to speak first-hand of the importance of boundaries and what they can look like, allowing me to help clients make changes in their relationships with themselves and others.
When we don’t set boundaries with the people we love, we might end up resenting them, censoring ourselves, or reinforcing patterns in the relationship that don’t allow us to have our own opinions, desires, and needs. On the flip side, when you learn how to thoughtfully set your boundaries and communicate them in a compassionate way, you might set your relationships up for clearer, kinder interactions, resulting in greater understanding and connection.
Setting Boundaries Without Shame
Prentice Hemphill, a therapist and founder of The Embodiment Institute, says the following about boundaries: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” This perspective has helped me and my clients and myself think about our limits and our capacity.
Some questions that might be helpful in thinking about your boundaries:
How much are you willing to give if the other person seems to only want to take?
What does it mean to respect yourself and to respect your partner at the same time?
What does it look like to have compassion for yourself and compassion for your child?
Boundaries are not a threat, even when you allow someone to experience the consequence of crossing them. The first few times you maintain a new boundary, the people who are impacted by them might not like it, but if you know it is important to you and it doesn’t harm them, it’s worth making the effort.
Boundaries are about you, not them
Try talking about what you need to do. For example, “I need to rest tonight, so I’m not going to make dinner” instead of, “You have to make dinner tonight.” Or, “I need to take a break when you yell at me,” instead of, “You need to stop yelling.”
Of course, it’s okay to make requests of people, and that’s where we usually start before we get into the business of setting boundaries. You can ask your partner to cook tomorrow night, let your child know you can only pick them up until 8 pm, or ask your sister to listen to your problems for 10 minutes the next time you talk on the phone. It doesn’t hurt to ask! Then, they get to choose their response, just like you get to choose yours.
Sometimes your boundary might be completely with yourself. I worked with a client who understands that her work-life balance is impacted by boundaries she sets at home with her time and attention. Another example of a personal boundary is recognizing when someone’s reaction to us is about them, not us. This sometimes allows clients to let go of worrying about what others might say or do when the client makes choices based on their values.
It’s not too late to start learning about and practicing boundaries!
As with most new habits, it’s often easier and more effective to start small. You could start by setting a boundary with someone you already communicate openly with. You could practice setting limits or making requests that are less important, so they are also less impacted by big emotions. Maybe that means setting a time limit on something that you get sucked into unwittingly, or asking for help with something that you usually do for the whole household.
There still will be people with whom you might need to set hard boundaries, such as people in your life who mistreat you or who won’t respect the boundaries that you have determined are necessary for you to be safe and happy. If you are unsafe, emotionally or physically, please do what you can to identify the limits you need to set and if you need help following through, I encourage you to reach out for help.
Ready to Explore Healthier Boundaries? Talk with a Counselor in Missoula Today
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, or stuck in patterns that don’t serve you, you’re not alone. Setting boundaries isn’t about building walls—it’s about creating space for clarity, connection, and compassion, both for yourself and those around you.
As a counselor in Missoula, I help people learn how to set boundaries that are realistic, respectful, and rooted in their values. Whether you're navigating relationship dynamics, work stress, or your own internal expectations, we can work together to develop the tools you need to create more peace in your relationships and within yourself.
