Why Self-Care Matters: Insights from a Counselor in Missoula
We hear a lot about the benefits of self-care, both in therapy and in the media. So why is it still so hard for many of us to take the time to prioritize ourselves when we feel anxious or burnt out? Why do we feel so much guilt when we put down the needs of others for a moment to tend to our own needs? These are normal reactions people have to the idea of self-care, even though it is essential to our well-being and functioning. In my work as a counselor, I help people see the benefit of self-care, as well as how that might look different from one person to another.
Self-Care Is Not Selfish
If you’ve ever listened to an in-flight safety talk, you know that you are instructed to put on your oxygen mask before assisting others; this is an oft-repeated metaphor for self-care that counselors tell clients. This metaphor can give clients a concrete example of what happens when we forget to care for ourselves. Someone who is depleted and literally or figuratively can’t breathe is in no condition to be the kind of support for others that I’m guessing you want to be. Another helpful metaphor is that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Individuals who neglect themselves often find that they are irritable, “snappy,” they feel undervalued, and they may even lack the motivation to engage in important relationships.
I’ve worked with clients whose partner needs extra emotional support. They come to my counseling office burnt out from managing their partner’s emotions and avoiding conflict. Or they put so much energy into listening, problem-solving, and support that they have nothing left at the end of the day. If they don’t learn how to care for themselves, they find themselves shutting down, turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, or feeling anxious or depressed.
Why We Feel Guilty About Caring for Ourselves
We often get messages from society, families, or the media that are counter to the idea of caring for ourselves. We may have watched our parents put their needs aside to care for grandparents. Maybe we were the older sibling, who felt pressure to set a good example to the younger members of our family. We may have grown up with messages about productivity, hard-work, and “getting back on the horse.” There is a time and a place for strength and persistence. There is also a time and a place for rest and pleasure and comfort.
More than one of the clients I work with has labeled themselves as “lazy,” or been labeled that way by people in their lives. I work with them to recognize the other reasons behind needing to take time for themself. Are they tired? Burnt out? Missing out on things that bring them joy, peace, or meaning?
When you look around yourself and you see the person you live with or the friend on TikTok doing more, ask yourself whether doing more will equate to doing better. If the answer is “no,” you might be the one setting an example that challenges outdated norms that originated during a time that we no longer live in.
Living Your Values Through Self-Care: Insights from a Missoula Therapist
As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, when you take care of yourself, you may find that you have more energy and motivation to care for others. If you value traits like compassion and connection, the time that you take to fill your cup will overflow into the care that you give others. If you tend to neglect yourself, it’s likely that you will feel like doing for others is a duty, leading to exhaustion or resentment.
Even when you are not in a care-giving role or you aren’t being called on to support someone else, your compassion and connection to yourself is equally important. Self care isn’t about choosing yourself instead of others—it’s about including yourself. Many of my clients care so much for others that they forget that they are no less important than all the other human beings they extend compassion towards.
A simple experiment you can try if you are struggling with self-care is to consider how you’d treat a friend in your situation. My guess is that you would tell them to rest, to restore, to laugh, to find peace.
Self-Care vs. Self-Indulgence
Self-care means many different things to different people. If you find yourself having a glass of wine on occasion to wind down, or to socialize with friends, this might be considered self-indulgence. There is nothing wrong with it on occasion. Even distracting yourself from a stressful situation with a game on your phone can be a way to take time away and to give yourself a break. Time spent alone, whether it’s spent reading, napping, or listening to podcasts, can also give you the opportunity to recharge.
Sometimes distraction and avoidance can be forms of self-care (if they are not harmful). Notice whether these behaviors keep you from solving problems that are important but that make you uncomfortable. That is an indication that you may not be practicing effective self-care. Avoiding discomfort may feel good in the moment, but discomfort isn’t always a warning sign telling you to stop what you’re doing. Growth often involves hard emotions and brave actions.
What Self-Care Looks Like: Ideas from a counselor in Missoula
Going outside
Taking a Mindful Moment - give yourself a break from ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, and take a few minutes to notice what’s around you and inside you. Use all of your senses!
Allowing yourself to feel and express emotions (verbally, crying, journaling)
Reading, talking to others, anything that shows you that others have similar struggles
Self-soothing that is not harmful
Tending to your physical needs, such as sleep, nutrition, and exercise. This can include gentle movement.
Seeing the doctor, massage therapist, physical therapist, etc.
Asking for help, from people around you or professionals
Expressing your needs to someone close to you
Finding something creative to focus on
Finding connection through friendships, family, or community
However you choose to practice self-care, remember that small steps matter. If you aren’t used to giving this sort of loving attention to yourself, it is a skill that you can build over time. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it does not mean you are broken or weak - it means you are human and you care. You don’t have to do it alone. As a local therapist, I’d be honored to walk alongside you as you learn to care for yourself with the same kindness you give others.
reach out for counseling in missoula
If you would like to take the next step to work with a counselor in Missoula on self-care and other areas that will improve your emotional well-being, reach out and we can have a complimentary consultation call to see if we might be a good fit to work together.